Reality Check- January 28,2008

I've been working as much as I can to try to save up for the time that I'll be off work post op ( about 2 months). I've also been working on getting this blog started and I think I've succeeded. (Thanks for all the great posted comments!) Now if I can manage to keep it updated regularly because I can't email everyone to keep you updated, I'll try to do it at least twice a week.

I've been feeling great physically but my mental state of  mind has been rocky at best. I feel and know that everything will be okay with the surgery but I've been having bad dreams and it;s starting to make be very depressed and a bit uneasy and scared. If I'm being totally honest, but then again I still have faith that all with come out fine in the end. But I can't help to think  that if anything should go wrong and I didn't wake up I want to make sure that I let everyone know who mean  a lot to me how much I appreciate and love them for all that they've given to me by way of friendship and my appreciation for being the man that I've evolved to be. And many of you have been what I come to feel are a trubute to the love that I've been blessed to feel and to be able to share with you, my friends and family and many acquaintances through my website listings.

I honor and cherish your friendship for which i have been blessed to share my life. Your love and support and well wishes help me to get through the darkest hours.

I've shed tears tonight writing this, knowing that you, my closest friends, know and understand all that I've had to endure and what I have been through and this is why it touches my heart so dearly and deeply. I know that I'll wake up, but all this time spent waiting for the day for surgery to arrive has managed to be able to ( excuse my language) mind fuck me with visions of trauma, and needless to say it's starting to freak me out. I pray and meditate and still feel the need for help to try to figure out how to ease the scared feelings that creep up inside my little pea brain.

I don't know if  it's the fear of physical disfigurement, or not knowing how it will all come back together again after the surgery, or if it's just knowing that so many people love and support me and my not wanting to disappoint anyone if things didn't go well with the whole procedure.

I'm a fool and a freak I know and I shouldn't be thinking this way but I guess the thought that my heart may not start up again and me not being able to feel ever again is hard to imagine.

Okay I've said enough but I need to share this with all of you. Maybe that's what I need, just to get it off my chest to lighten the heaviness that it's placed on my heart, no pun intended.

Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I'm very glad to call you my friends and lucky to have you as my family.

Love and Light, Jesse