Januarayn 30, 2008

I'm trying to post a video update but haven't quite figured it out yet. It's shot but I may have to update it if I can't get it worked out in the next day or so.

Feeling much better and will start setting up a calendar/ schedule of dates that we could use help. It will definitely be starting on the 23rd of February. So if any of you can help please call me or email me the dates that you can help out. Remember that we have a guest room if any of you are coming from out of town.

I'm encouraged and faithful that all will turn out fine!

XOXO and Love and Light, Jesse

I will be rotating different photos and such to show thanks to people who have touched my life in many different ways.

The new photo on the right is from  my friend Kira Od who creates "amazing" sculptures of bronze. I posed for several different pieces that she is creating. the one pictured here is of a man who is part Raven. She was inspired by my physique and has been quite inspiring and complimentary of my hard work. So her work is also on my list of "Gratefulness" for immortalizing me in bronze. Thanks you Kira and Louis LaSalle (my dear friend) for introducing me to her!

Reality Check- January 28,2008

I've been working as much as I can to try to save up for the time that I'll be off work post op ( about 2 months). I've also been working on getting this blog started and I think I've succeeded. (Thanks for all the great posted comments!) Now if I can manage to keep it updated regularly because I can't email everyone to keep you updated, I'll try to do it at least twice a week.

I've been feeling great physically but my mental state of  mind has been rocky at best. I feel and know that everything will be okay with the surgery but I've been having bad dreams and it;s starting to make be very depressed and a bit uneasy and scared. If I'm being totally honest, but then again I still have faith that all with come out fine in the end. But I can't help to think  that if anything should go wrong and I didn't wake up I want to make sure that I let everyone know who mean  a lot to me how much I appreciate and love them for all that they've given to me by way of friendship and my appreciation for being the man that I've evolved to be. And many of you have been what I come to feel are a trubute to the love that I've been blessed to feel and to be able to share with you, my friends and family and many acquaintances through my website listings.

I honor and cherish your friendship for which i have been blessed to share my life. Your love and support and well wishes help me to get through the darkest hours.

I've shed tears tonight writing this, knowing that you, my closest friends, know and understand all that I've had to endure and what I have been through and this is why it touches my heart so dearly and deeply. I know that I'll wake up, but all this time spent waiting for the day for surgery to arrive has managed to be able to ( excuse my language) mind fuck me with visions of trauma, and needless to say it's starting to freak me out. I pray and meditate and still feel the need for help to try to figure out how to ease the scared feelings that creep up inside my little pea brain.

I don't know if  it's the fear of physical disfigurement, or not knowing how it will all come back together again after the surgery, or if it's just knowing that so many people love and support me and my not wanting to disappoint anyone if things didn't go well with the whole procedure.

I'm a fool and a freak I know and I shouldn't be thinking this way but I guess the thought that my heart may not start up again and me not being able to feel ever again is hard to imagine.

Okay I've said enough but I need to share this with all of you. Maybe that's what I need, just to get it off my chest to lighten the heaviness that it's placed on my heart, no pun intended.

Please know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I'm very glad to call you my friends and lucky to have you as my family.

Love and Light, Jesse

Off to a good start

Thanks for all the post so far.

Still feeling confident about having the procedure.

I finally read the directions and information of what to expect after the surgery. I'll be in ICU for 2 days before being admitted into my own room. I'll have a breathing tube for the first 24-36 hours while in ICU along with a feeding tube in an artery in my neck. I'll also have a urine tube inserted. I guess they'll have me pretty numbed up due to a spinal tap from surgery which is why I have to have all this assistance with bodily functions. They will also have me strapped down so that I don't pull out any of the tubes. Hmm, not the kind of bondage I'd always imagined... ;-).

It all sounds pretty invasive and I guess it is. It kind of freaks me out to thing about it but I know that once I visit the ICU a few days before the surgery, as per my doctors recommendations, it should help to lessen the drama of all the surrounding after coming out of surgery.

I've been having really severe dreams about all kinds of drama. I kind of feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of oz. No flying monkeys of wicked witches but lots of music and dancing and weird clothing. Lots of you (my friends and family) in my dreams. No one is in any danger but definitely life defining moments, like Tony and Gary's wedding, Suzanne dancing, former dance co-workers crossing paths etc. So I guess my mind is trying to tell my body that all will be fine even though it will be going through an experience as if I'd been really banged up in an accident. But again I'm blessed to have the opportunity to go through this by choice by having the luxury of knowing what I'm going to be going through.

I'm still working up until February 14th which is the day I'll be flying to NY to meet up with John where he has work from the 11-15th. This will be our last hurrah before the surgery date on the 19th. I'll have someone update this blog for me while in the hospital so feel free to check this out to find out how things are going.

Be well and thanks for all you love, support and well wishes. John will be needing some help when I get home so don't hesistate to ask him if he needs help. It's going to be overwhelming for him as well.

XOXO, Jesse

Come on in

Welcome to my new blog. I'm still leaning how to use this so I hope that I can make it user friendly and informative and interesting.

Thanks for all your love and support!

XO, Jesse